Saturday, January 8, 2011

Night contemplations on a train

In the winter forests between Toulouse and Le Pays Basque (Pau).

If sailing is number one of my preferred ways of transportation and flying the least favorable, train must be up there on number two. The tranquility which embraces your brain when being able to observe the colorful scenery rapidly flashing by gives time to breathe and think, and that is some of what I value the most in life, nowadays. There were times, many years, when I had hard to slow down and I was kind of always on the run and in rush and always looking for something new and now when I analyze those different episodes and chapters of my past life, I can look back on it all with a smile while wondering how the hell did I have the energy for all of that - because right now: peace and harmony is much more worth than anything else that I can think of. Gone are the parties till 9 in the morning, gone are the hectic social life that had to be nurtured and which I loved and valued a lot of course but it is such a distant life to now. Gone are also the constant stress which comes with always being on hunt for one more rush and one more kick and more and more excitements and although there might have been times in my past in which I never thought I would come to this stage, I must say that this calm and harmonic episode is the best time of my life. At least in another way. Obviously I wouldn't know the difference if I hadn't experience the extreme contrary, so for that too I am grateful, for all those contrasts my life has been filled with. Dear universe, I can't thank you enough for all of the opportunities to see so many things and worlds from so many perspectives. With my insights of life alone, I am a truly blessed and rich human being.

So when I was sitting there on that train the other day, listening to the metallic wheels gliding on the rails and while letting my body getting moved by the motion of the ride I asked myself: Are you happy now? Would you never change back to the other life for in that you were so rich, although in another way? Might not have been rich in love from the man of my dreams - but in other sorts of relationships. I had a newly invented business idea with a great future ahead for it and all the necessary contacts and investors ready to turn my ideas to a successful business, I was living in a trendy and happening city full of opportunities in a dream apartment just above Jimmy Choo and other luxurious brands and my balcony was facing Gaudi's trademark of a building on the best spot Barcelona had to offer for living. I was traveling every third week or so to other interesting places in the world and I was living my life to the absolute fullest in every sense of the word. I was strong and felt powerful as I had so many options and I most certainly didn't let anything come between me, my joy and my happiness. I had a driver, a luxurious car available at any time and people who cleaned my clothes and dishes whenever I needed a hand. I was getting spoiled and courted by many and I had a big bunch of friends with whom I had the time of my life in every aspect and both my bank account, my wardrobes and my jewelry boxes were constantly full and ready to give me that superficial glow and artificial happiness - just how many women only can dream of living. If you wish to make an comparison to make the picture more clear, Holly Golightly's life in Breakfast at Tiffany would have been far back in the shadow compared to my life adventures. I was happy. I was fulfilled, as to what were my preferences at that time. I remember I sometimes stood in front of the huge mirror observing myself in my marble coated Versace bathroom, I smiled and I said to myself: You are there now, this is what you have always fantasized of since you were a little girl and you have everything on hand that you could ever dream of. It was a happiness so strong and intense. Cause I had it all. Or did I, really? For what happened that night when I met Alex? How could I have replaced that life full of so much craziness and I'm talking in the good way - to the extreme contrary? I definitely do not mean to sound like a cliché but simply it was love what was missing. And while I've been evaluating and contemplating back and forth during the last 14 months since I decided to leave the past and move on to a new chapter (and it certainly wasn't easy, mind you) the foremost answer that comes up in my conclusions no matter how I twist and turn this thing, is that true love is the king of it all. 

So while sitting there listening to the rhythmical sound from the wheels of the train and with the camera in my hand trying to capture some sorts of balance and unbalance through the lens I quickly answered myself to my question: Yes I am. I am happy and content. I have lived both extremes and also much more lives beyond those two and I have had enough time and situations to reflect upon what really is true and right for me and the answer is already deeply acknowledged by every part of my body and soul. Yes, this is happiness. That type of happiness which doesn't bring you gold and diamonds but true joy and powerful feelings of love. I might not have a job or a stable income for the moment as I left all my security behind but I'm confident in our future plans and I'm willing to take the risk of being broke for a while just because I believe in this journey and in me and my man more than in anything else. This love, life and voyage might not take me on first class flights from one bling bling world to another but it takes me places, real places I've never seen before and it most certainly doesn't bring me black cards with unlimited spend with what you're able to do whatever you wish but it does give me a ticket to life full of purity and freedom and reality and adventures beyond anything I ever experienced and that is something which no titanium cards in the world can buy. 

For what else in life could ever be more important than love, harmony and a peace of mind. Even for a relationship anarchist, a true individualist and a cynical and somewhat destroyed soul who swore that she would never give her heart to a man for real - one day she had to give up the barriers and let it all go for the truth. We all need love and that truth is inevitable, even though the thought of that other type of happiness in another time of my life always will be a sweet memory of mine. 

Whatever happens in the future and wherever I/we're going, I will always feel blessed and thankful for what life had in store for me. Sometimes it takes only such small things as a ride on a train to realize and remember that we human beings have all the possibilities in the world to create our own dream lives. It all can be so easy, once we understand that we have the ultimate power in our own hands to make it happen in one way or the other. And when we get to where we wish, we must remember and have the humbleness to acknowledge that it might happen that although you think you know what is the best life can bring you, one day someone may enter your world and completely turn upside down and inside out on your believes. And for that possibility I am utterly grateful. /Taru

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